I don't know where to start.
My mind is filled with so many things and I have difficulties putting them into words. I wanted to give you updates on my last few days in Ireland, but I was simply so...I don't even know! Of course, I was busy, but on the other side I was also incapable to do anything than lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. So today I will tell you how my last couple of days went and how it feels to be back in Austria.
The days after my last entry were filled with exams. Wednesday I had my interview for the portfolio and it was shorter and easier than I imagined. Thursday I had my English exam and it went really well. Friday I had Maths and afterwards, I went out to Ruby's, one of my favourite restaurants in Dublin, with most of my friends to have a big goodbye party. I had so much fun and really felt that I have found close friends whom I will dearly miss. The evening itself didn't have much of a sad undertone, we were all just enjoying being together and I laughed a lot and felt really at home. The other days I either met up with my friends to say goodbye or I was incapable of getting out of my bed and actively experiencing and enjoying the last few days. It was a kind of trance and I felt really disconnected from myself and my surroundings. I felt more or less numb.
Flying back was actually pretty chill, except for the increasing amount of anxiety. It wasn't necessarily that I didn't want to go back to Vienna, after all there were so many people waiting for me, but I still started crying every time I looked out of the window and searched for ways to delay the inevitable: arriving back in Vienna. I didn't feel ready. But on the other side I made peace with leaving Ireland for now. I was floating in between, not feeling like I belong anywhere and pretty overwhelmed by the changes.
Arriving felt really weird. I felt at home, I felt like I fit right back in but on the other side I felt like a stranger and completely disconnected. Even now, two weeks after, I struggle to accept the change and move on.
For me personally it is especially difficult because I subconsciously block the progress because I associate falling back into "normality" and routine as a step back, not forward. I am so afraid that I will forget what I learned and achieved within that one year, just because I am back. I am scared that my life here won't mix well with the changes I went through and how I am as a person now. I feel a bit caged up here and my feet are itching demanding to go, go, go. I guess the familiarity is nice but a comfort zone is not a place where you grow as a person.
To sum it up, I am struggling a bit with this big change in my life, but I am positive that I will be able to move on and make the best out of my situation. What helps is that we got two kittens, just this weekend. They are called Sappho and Tchaikovsky (or Tchai/Chai for short) and spending time with them is truly therapeutic and a nice distraction.
With that, I will end my account of my year abroad in Ireland. I don't think that this is the last entry, as I plan to travel and pick certain topics to write posts about but this entry is for wrapping up the year. I hope you learned something while reading this and maybe you want to join our huge family of international exchange students and share this wonderful experience with us!
Thank you for joining me on this ride!
Evelin
Write a comment