Okay let's start with what I have been up to the days before school started.
I continued to explore my new surroundings. I did go for a run, I was not kidding (I also got lost but we don't talk about that). In the evening my host parents took me to a match of Gaelic Football. My host brother Shane was playing and honestly, it was one of the most intense sports I have ever seen. First shock was when they picked up the ball and continued carrying it in their hands. The game was straight up brutal, they kept pushing and hitting each other with their shoulders and elbows. When I asked Angela if the match we were watching was on the more intense side of games she has seen she just laughed and told me that this one was harmless. The next day we went to see a match of Camogie (Hurling for girls) in the morning but I didn't really see much of the game because I met another international student from Spain and we spent the time picking flowers and attempting to do a flower crown with her little host sister. We exchanged numbers and decided to meet up the next day at the mall. Later Angela and I went for a walk in Howth. It was simply beautiful. I decided not to take any pictures because I just wanted to enjoy the gorgeous landscape. But I will definitely go there again at some point and then provide you with some pictures as well.
On Monday my local supervisor took me to Swords to buy my school uniform (I can provide you with a picture there, will add it later) and it was WEIRD. We also got me some of my schoolbooks. In the afternoon it was finally time for me to take the bus for the first time. I was kind of nervous, since the whole public transport system is quite different from what I am used to. So I somehow built up the courage to ask a young woman waiting for the bus with me and she continued not only to explain the system with the leap card for me but also paid my bus ticked and sat down with me in the bus and talked with me. I met with Deborah (the Spanish student) in the mall we bought my uniform earlier.
On Tuesday I went down to the local swimming pool. After that Lena, the other girl who stays in Dublin (from AIFS), and I decided to meet up in the city. It was lowkey chaotic. My phone wasn't fully charged and threatened to die on me while I was in the middle of Dublin, completely confused and lost. On that day I took the train to Dublin and tried out my newly gained leap card. Arriving in the city, my phone was almost giving up, but still let me find Lena, after at least 30 minutes of confusion and going into the wrong direction. The first thing we did was buying a new cable for my portable charger and then I could finally relax and enjoy walking around and shopping.
Now to the most exciting part:
First day of school. Let me tell you, I was more than just nervous. Putting on the uniform and then going to school was simply surreal. First there was a (very intimidating) presentation of what awaits us this year and then I had my first classes. Funnily enough the actual lesson was the best part of my first day experience. It overwhelming, intimidating and I was just wishing to get home as fast as possible. Later I talked with Angela and she calmed me down. I should relax and lower my expectations for myself a bit. Without realizing I put a lot of pressure on myself. So I started the next day calmer and oh wow who would have guessed, it was pretty cool. I had nice classes, nice teachers. What I noticed that the Irish students in my class are very different from the people from my class in Austria. I can't quite put my finger on it yet why, though. What also took my by surprise was, that the girls in my class were helpful on the first day, but then continued to ignore me and hide from me when I stood in the hall, confused and kinda lost the next day. So I have been hanging out with other international students, save for 2 Irish students whom I share some classes with (but not all). I think, maybe in a couple of months their attitude will change or we get generally more accepted.
Tuesday after school I went for a walk with Laura, another international student and a friend of mine.
Friday morning was weird. I just simply didn't want to get out of bed. I couldn't put my finger on the exact reason, I just felt so repelled by the school uniform to the point where I'd rather stay in bed than put it on. Everything about it screams "this is not me". It was really messing with me and my identity. I was really glad when I came home. Tired and exhausted. As if I had to pretend to be someone I am not for a day (jokes on me, that is actually happening). That school uniform is restricting, I feel it just stealing my freedom and my ability to express myself. All of that may sound dramatic and you may respond with "but it's only in school" but if you have school from 8:45 to 15:55 it sure feels like the whole day. I mean that's more than 7 hours. I am just disconnected from myself, everything feels kind of surreal, and that feeling carries on after school. I hope it gets better with time.
Saturday Angela and I got the other exchange student who will stay here from the airport. Her name is Paula and she is from Spain. Not very talkative at first, but she seems like a nice person. Now I know that my English is pretty good, almost fluent, so I was surprised to learn that her behaviour, that I have simply interpreted as shy, came from barely knowing how to speak English. That really put things into perspective for me and I decided to be the one helping her and to be there for her whenever she needs something. I mean if you already have such a clear advantage, why not use it to help people who are not as far as you yet?
But, real talk, I was a little bit disappointed. I expected someone whom I can talk to and go to if I need someone to comfort me. A sister who will be a good friend to me while I am staying here. But things went differently. I am 100% sure that this girl is super sweet and that we can become close with time but to be honest, if I am taking care of her, who takes care of me? Especially the last couple of days I have some struggles with reality. I am just so dissociated, time passes by and I have the feeling that I have done nothing. I don't know how long I will be able to be that person "who has her shit together" and who is able to take responsibility over so many things. I feel like the other international students look up to me, expect me to know the stuff. But I am also thrown into a completely new situation. I am not familiar with all of this. Just because the main reason I am here is not learning/improving my English doesn't mean I know what's going on. I am not ashamed to say that right now, I need someone to talk to here, someone I could consider a friend who will be here for me in the future too. But instead I am the one to comfort people, I am the confident, strong person who knows what she is doing. Don't get me wrong, I am all of these things. I came here to have this experience. I want this to 100%. But I also tend to set myself under a lot of pressure. I have to realize that people really mean it when they say that I am brave and seem very confident in what I am doing. I have to realize that people are really proud of me for doing this, getting out of my comfort zone, living outside of my comfort zone.
I am glad that I am here because I wanted to.
Today I haven't done much. Yet. I really don't know what my plan is, I try to get my grip on reality back as soon as I can. But my thoughts just drift off so easily. For example I had a whole new "Sag's Multi" speech in my head this morning. I honestly don't know where it came from but it just kept going and going. To my surprise, I don't seem to have any problems with missing my friends and family, but we'll see how that goes.
I wish you a relaxing Sunday afternoon
Evelin
Write a comment